What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
