Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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