i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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