oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
