ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
