The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
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She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
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"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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