I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
