Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
