there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I yelled at your uterus for you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
