i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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