I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
