my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have feelings that need drinking.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
