dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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