I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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