just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
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Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
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