im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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