Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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