You're earring is so big in my mouth
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We have started to decorate penises.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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