Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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