I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
