Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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