just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
