Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Never joke about your clitoris.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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