Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
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just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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