What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think people are normalizing furries
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
