She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
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We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize