He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize