in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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