If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
