i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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