just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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