What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
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I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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