we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
