I will die if light touches me.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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