Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
