you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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