if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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