oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
