My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
