We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
sarcasm needs its own font
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
