Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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