4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
