If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
