I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
