I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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