how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
