I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
