Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
