Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
