He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
