im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
