we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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