My sheets look like a crime scene.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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