I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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